Combatting the Four Horsemen
It was an evening that felt like most others. My toddler ran away from me in the third attempt at wrestling her pajama pants on. She squealed in what could have been delight or horror, but I couldn’t tell which as I watched her retreating back. I sighed heavily, lugging myself to my feet as I glanced in the direction of my husband, who sat nearby with his eyes locked to his phone screen.
I felt the words bubbling out of me before I could stop them. “Are you serious? Can you get off your phone and pay attention to our child? I’m always doing the bedtime routine while you get to just sit around and do nothing.”
It was a harsh criticism, I later realized. What I had been trying to express was definitely valid, but the delivery came out sideways. John Gottman, who has spent decades researching couples, coined the term “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” to describe four kinds of negativity that can be lethal to a relationship. The Four Horsemen include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. As scary as the four horsemen sound, there are definitely antidotes to each horseman, so let’s break it down:
Horseman 1: Criticism
This is the one that happened to show up in my relationship that random Tuesday evening. A criticism tends to be all-or-nothing and takes a jab at your partner’s core character or personality. The antidote to this horseman is using a more gentle start up to the conversation when discussing a complaint. What I later wished I would have said to my husband is something along the lines of, “I’m feeling really burnt out right now. It’s hard to watch you being on your phone like that because I need help getting her pajamas on and there’s some other things to check off the list as well before we actually get her in bed. Could you please give me a hand?” In this response I am taking responsibility for my own emotions while also asking for my needs to be met.
Horseman 2: Contempt
Think of contempt as the evolution of criticism. It is more intense and a blatant form of disrespect to your partner. Contempt can show up in many different forms, but a few examples include cynicism, name-calling, mockery, and hostile humor. Often contempt is generated by having ongoing negative thoughts about your partner that fester over time. The antidote to this horseman is focusing on your own feelings and needs rather than describing your partner. Use “I” statements such as, “I’m feeling ___________, when you ___________. I need/want/prefer _____________.”
Horseman 3: Defensiveness
It is easy to become defensive in your relationship, especially when you are feeling attacked by your partner. However, research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect and oftentimes the attacking spouse does not back down or say they are sorry. This is because defensiveness is essentially an uno reverse: the problem isn’t me, it’s you. The antidote for this is to take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Horseman 4: Stonewalling
This is often the result when there is a build up of the previous three horsemen that occur over time, and one partner “checks out.” A partner who is stonewalling is not responsive to attempts to engage in argument or even typical conversation. It is what many refer to as “silent treatment.” The antidote to this is to engage in physiological self-soothing. The partner who is stonewalling is likely flooded with overwhelming emotions and needs to engage in self-soothing to help themselves regulate and get back to their emotional baseline. This could look like taking a 20 minute break from a conversation to decompress and take a walk. For the animal lovers out there, it could look like cuddling with your beloved cat or dog and just focusing on the feel of their soft, warm fur beneath your hand. Everyone has different ways of engaging in self-soothing and it’s important to find what works best for you.
As scary and daunting as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse sounds, there are ways to combat these and get back on track to having a happy, healthy relationship. If you find yourself struggling with these horsemen in your relationship, try using the antidotes discussed. If you are having trouble or difficulty navigating these interactions, or would like help with getting these conversations started, couples therapy is a great place to do so.
Written By Nicole Mann, MA. LMFT
